A Script of God's Favorite Soap Opera

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 05:48:22 GMT

How To Know If You're a Child of The 90's
You actually wore flourescent clothing.

You remember Michael Jackson when he was still cool and before his nose fell off.

You played with a "skip it"

You know that "WHOA!" is from the TV s how "Blossom."

You still know the music and raps of "Fresh Prince of Bel-air" by heart.

You brought (insert cartoon here) lunchboxes complete with thermos to school.

You still have the urge to say "Not" every once and a while.

You know all the words to Paula Abdul's singles and saw all of her videos.

You remember New Kids On The Block when they were cool.

You remember when Cell Phones were the size of real phones.

You collected and played with pogs.

You remember slap bracelets when they were the CRAZE, not BANNED.

You remember Hillary Clinton when she had long hair.

You know what "I've fallen and I can't get up" is referring to.

You were obsessed with Mariah Carey.

You still laugh regarding the feud between Dan Quale and Murphy Brown.

You were an enthusiastic fan of "My So-Called Life."

You knew all the characters and their history of "Saved By The Bell."

Two words; HAMMER TIME! And remember those "Hammer Pants."

Friday nights were reserved for TGIF and Saturday mornings were for GOOD cartoons.

EVERYONE had AOL. You couldn't go on the internet and there were no buddy lists. You also payed by the minute.

You were dissapointed when "Slip n Slide" ended up not being as fun as it seemed in the commercials.

You were jealous of your friends who had power wheels.

You wanted to live in the "Barbie Mansion."

"Crazy Sexy Cool" was THE MUST HAVE album. Everyone also owned "Funky Divas" by En Vogue, Boyz II Men, "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis, Green Day's debut and "Hangin Tough" by New Kids On The Block.

You remember Alternative Rock when it was really Alternative Rock.

YES, TO EVERYTHING ON THIS LIST! I LOVE THE 90'S!!!!!!!!

Oh RONNIE! :(

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 18:37:09 GMT

Let's start from the beginning...

My uncle and cousin left yesterday after staying at our house for about a week and a half. My dad's car wasn't big enough to fit all of our luggage, so he took mine. But, as most of you probably know, I keep EVERYTHING in my car, so it was a huge mess and he made me take almost everything out of it and put it on the front porch.
Before my cousin and uncle came, my Nanny (Dad's mom) stayed for almost a week, so my sister slept in my parent's room for about 2 weeks. Last night was the first time she was going to have to sleep in her own room by herself in a long time, so she was scared/sad. So, I told her I would sleep in her room with her (instead of mine, which looks out onto the back yard).
She still wasn't asleep at around midnight, and I remember the dog was barking and Skye said "Kira's a barky dog, isn't she?" and I was like "Well, she's just trying to protect us" (and then...this is really weird...I thought to myself how Kira barks all the time, but we just started to ignore it because it happens so often. I wondered what if something really did happen but we thought she was just 'crying wolf') and Skye said "What's pritict?"...that was cute.
Anyhow, at like 2:00 in the morning, I woke up because Kira was going CRAZY. I got up for a minute and then tried to fall back asleep. I finally did and then about 15 minutes later or so, the dog came in Skye's room and started barking at me so I tried to pet her and she backed away toward the window, still barking (I never knew I had such a smart dog!) so I got up and looked out my sister's window (which faces the front yard/driveway) but it was really dark and I was tired, so I couldn't really see anything, just the little pinpricks of light from our lawn light things. I gave up and lay (layed?lie?lied?) back down, falling asleep around 2:30...the dog was still barking.
Apparantly, around this same time, my mom woke up from the dog's barking and heard a really loud noise. She thought someone was breaking into the house so she woke my dad up who went downstairs and looked around, found no burgler, and went back to sleep.
Then, at 6:30/6:45 this morning, my dad woke up for work and opened the blinds and then came in Skye's room and woke me up. He was like "Jaquelyn, where's your car?" and I was like "Well you drove it last, didn't you park it in the driveway?" and he was like "Ya, but it's gone"
I ran downstairs and out the front door and, sure enough, there was a dry patch where my car had been. I remember just thinking 'How did it disappear?' I pressed the code for the garage and felt like I was in some kind of movie with sad music in the background because the door slowly lifted while I stood there in front of it like an idiot staring at an empty space inside. I turned to my dad and was like "Where is it?" and he was like "It must have been stolen"
Then we had to file a police report, call the insurance company, yadda yadda shmer ner ner.
And that leaves me here. Ronnie-less (yes, I named my car. Her name was Ronnie cuz she's red and it reminded me of the Betty and Veronica comics. Hey, Katie's car's name was Charles so mine can be Ronnie, okay?), car-less, tassles from graduation hanging from the rearview mirror-less. I <3 my cat airfreshener-less, stuffed kitty that I stole from state fair and put on my dashboard-less, hula man-less, last paycheck from work-less, Physics book that I had to take back to school next week or else I can't get my diploma-less, and CD-LESS. Oh, my poor poor poor CD's.
Out of all of the cars, why drive down some suberb in Southfield and steal my Blazer? why oh why oh why.
Oh my poor Roonie, probably somewhere getting chopped up for parts right now.

If anyone sees a red blazer with a Deddy Bear on the back windshield liscence plate WBA 460 driving around, PLEASE call me. You may be saving an innocent life--Ronnie's that is.

yay! i'm back (or just bored)

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 21:35:51 GMT

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "Canadians his neatly rolled joint. The taller man took it, and puffed it" <---haha, not what the book is about at all

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: a can of diet coke

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?: my fifth grade graduation, I was giving a speech about DARE and how bad drugs were. I said that everyone who did pot should be in jail...

4. Without looking at the clock, what time do you think it is?: 3:26pm

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 5:09pm hahaha

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?: country music "i said i think i love you, you said 'what's not to love?'"

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?: About 20 minutes ago, making balloon animals for my sister

8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at?: I got bored and was looking at random communities. The last one was about the trials and tribulations of living the life of a stripper/bouncer/bartender. It's called stripper_saga. Actually kind of interesting. There are tons of crazy communities out there. Some scary ones too like ana_for_christ. I hope that one is a joke.

9. What are you wearing?: a pink beater with lacy shoulders and 2 little green roses with a little green lacy skirt

10. Did you dream last night?: Nope, I kept waking up in the middle of the night though

11. When did you last laugh?: About an hour ago. My uncle said his friend's kid was fat and we were talking about how american's are all sad and getting fatter and fatter (he's english)...it was funny at the time, now it's kind of depressing

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?: well...a lot of stuff. My walls are each a different really bright ugly color. Purple, pink, yellow, blue, green, and a little orange. Then on top of that my uncle painted random stuff in the bright colors, like Deaddy Bears, dragonflies, a dolphin, a butterflies, these snowflake-looking-things, the dark side of the moon album cover, stars, etc... Then, hanging on the walls are things like: shelves, a painting I did in 8th grade, a collage from cheer freshman year, a sillouette of me from when i was like 12, a drawing of me and Katie Chinn done by some guy in Paris (looks nothing like us)

13. Seen anything weird lately?: Those weird communities are all I can think of. My brother also made me watch Hey! Arnold! with him this morning. When you think about it, Helga is one weird girl.

14: What is the word most often used in your vocabulary?: shmer

15. What is the last film you saw?: The Notebook. It was cute but I was a little out-of-it

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?: the olsen twins! Oh wait, they're worth billions...well maybe just Mary-Kate then. No, I couldn't bear to seperate them. I would probably buy my college education or something lame like that. Then I would buy a bunch of designer clothes.

17. Tell me some things about you that I don't know: Who am I talking to here? Just anyone? Ummm, I'm always late, but most people know that already.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?: I would make communism work. If it really worked the way it's supposed to, think about how happy everyone would be. We would all be equal and satisfied and happy. But, somehow it is in human nature to need to feel superior to others in some way, so in reality, everyone would be unhappy. I would probably make everyone a vegetarian :)

19. Do you like to dance?: Yes! I kick myself everyday for not continuing with technique :(

20. George Bush: ...is a dummy

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?: well, I'm gonna have twin girls. Their names are gonna be Lillian (Lilly for short) Celeste and Isabella Rose

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?: Tyler? I don't know. They've gotta be girls

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?: Ya, I want to do a year abroad in France or London. I want to travel all over! Israel, Greece, Italy, Thailand, Australia...

what an abrupt ending. hmm.

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 18:42:45 GMT

Wanna know something really funny?
When someone posts a comment under their screen name because they forgot to click the anonymous box and then deletes it and rewrites the same comment anonymously...after I have already seen the first one.
Wanna know what's even funnier?
When the same person wrote me a hate comment "anonymously" three minutes earlier on another journal of mine and that person "would never identify who I am or tell you this in person because I am civil".
I log your IP address if you didn't notice the warning, which means, I know it is you, Whitney Switch.
I have never talked to you in my life, so I would assume that everything you claim to know about me is through hearsay. How can you not like someone when you have never even conversed with them? I actually thought you seemed like a sweet girl, and I still am going to try not to judge you because I know it must have been hard for you to make up your own mind when the people who you hang out with don't like me for whatever reason. I'm sorry if you hate me and I guess I really can't change that, but could you at least be "civil" enough to give me a chance? I have never done anything to hurt you and I don't think I deserve your criticism.
When you smiled and waved at me and told me good job last night, it made me really happy because I thought you might be above judging me based on what we all know Mike thinks. I was really surprised to find out that you wrote all of those horrible things about me.
I'm sorry if I have ever done anything that you didn't like or if you have heard rumors about me. I don't like knowing that people dislike, no matter what the reason. Maybe I will try to change whatever has upset you so much about me, but in the meantime, try to get to know someone before judging them on what you hear-it might not all be true.

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 01:35:38 GMT

I am beyond excited for Commedia!

YAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SO SOON!!!! (I just don't want it to be over! :( At least we still have Scotland!)

I am not so excited, however, for the test I have to take in Calculus tomorrow. I let Amanda borrow my calculator today so now I am screwed :(
I am also not so excited for the competition tomorrow. NO CHAIRS?! What is that? I can understand no props, but you can't exactly pantomime a chair. People sit. That doesn't take away from a performance, it's just a fact. So now I have to rework the monologues without a chair. I am writing a letter in one. In the 1700's. How the hell does one write a letter in the 1700s without a chair? I can't stand and hold the paper b/c then where would the inkwell be? I can't dictate it b/c it's not very clear and it's a little boring to watch someone walking around dictating a letter. Then there is the whole improv thing...ya. An improv scene is hard enough, but improv monologue? Hmmm.

College Update:
I'm into the Academy! That is very exciting :) I also am into Miami's BA program and I can audition for the music school for musical theatre via DVD soon, so that is cool. I, sadly, did not get into UCLA or Carnegie Mellon...but transfer? I got a $7000/year scholarship for Ithaca, but i didn't get into theatre. They did put me in this program where you can take whatever classes you want Freshman year (like the requirements for a musical theatre degree) and then reaudition sophomore year, so maybe I'll do that. I still haven't heard from Syracuse, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. Tulane still hasn't called back about theatre, so I will just have to assume that the acceptance applies to the musical theatre program also until they call back (or I call them AGAIN and perhaps speak with someone who knows what they are talking about)
I think that covers every school.
I just need to find out a few more things and then I have to pick! Ahhhhh! I was talking about the Academy vs. Miami last night with my parents and I really don't know what I want. Blah. Deciding stuff sucks :(
My mom and I bonded this morning during my non-second hour and it just made me realize exactly how much I am going to miss her. A LOT. I don't know how I'll survive without her. She means sooooo much to me and we have such a unique and amazing relationship. The thought of leaving her makes me so sad. I told her that this morning and she was like "But I'll visit you and we'll talk on the phone and we'll get webcams so it will be like talking in person," but that made me even more sad. We're going to have to pretend to talk in person :( That's the only bad thing about all of these schools being so far away--leaving everyone I love.
I don't even want to think about it.

She sleeps with the windows open
yet she's still locked safe inside
and to block out the sounds of the city's commotion
she turns her fan up on high
yea she lives just far enough away from home
to see the whole scene
and down the street the kids throw sticks and stones
and end up on the the TV screen
yea they throw their sticks and stones
and end up on the TV screen
and she used to walk on these gracefully
but now they crunch beneath her feet
I guess she must be changin'
there's just no way to keep it neat
and her father still barks like a soldier
returning from victory
but now he is much older
and that bark isn't as scary as it used to be
yea she watches his self torture
no one left to abuse but himself
but still her memory scorches her
and she struggles to love herself
her memory scorches her
and she struggles to love herself
and she used to walk on these gracefully
but now they crunch beneath her feet
and I guess she must be changin'
she never was to good at stayin' in her seat
and this town grows hungry and restless
hungry for what I ain't sure
but they're sweepin' the streets of the trash and the homeless
and raisin' the rent
and breakin' the poor
and I used to walk on these gracefully
but now they crunch beneath my feet
and I guess I must be changin'
there's just no way to keep it neat
I used to walk on these gracefully
I guess I must be changin'...

I just discovered "rich text mode!!!!" yay!

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 01:36:21 GMT

There is so much that I want to say, but this stupid journal is pretty much the cause of all of it, so I will hold my tongue (fingers?). I don't know. I half feel like I should be able to write whatever I want because it's my journal, but I feel like that would be a little hypocritical given the circumstances and it would just make matters worse.

On a happier note, ONE WEEK TILL OPENING NIGHT!!! AHHH!!! I am soooooooo excited! Okeb, I guess this can be motivation, non?

I have been feeling blue lately, so I will now make a list of things that I can count down to that will make me happy!

1) girls night with KTC tomorrow! (1 day!)

2) Cosi with Ammendine and Adeline on Sunday! I can not even explain how excited I am to do this! Yay for awesome French friends! (3 days!)

3) Finding out about college (hopefully this or next week!)

4) Commedia! (7-10 days!)

5) Spring Break! (14 days!)

6) Graduation! (...2 months?!)

7) Scotland! (too much to count!)

8) College! (AHHHHH!!!)

I feel much better now. Exclamation points always make me happy:)!

I <3 country music! Even if you don't and even if the American Idols crucified it!

I love you this much.

I'm not waiting on you

to make up your mind:

Do you love me too?

However long it takes,

I'm never giving up.

No matter what,

I love you this much.

PS. I think I am supposed to credit amies for making this new icon, so that is what I am doing :)

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 19:52:40 GMT

You have a twisted soul! Twisted Souls are never
bad, and actually, are a rarity amongst souls.
These souls are a little combination of
everything, with always a little of their own
chaos to add. Twisted Souls are kind, loving,
weird, zany, temperamental, and very talented.
They have their own firm opinion, and can at
one time be very outspoken and passionate, and
the other time shy and feeling insignificant.
Twisted Souls have good senses of Humor and
other times can be a bore. You can act quite
intelligent at one time, and grasp concepts
easily, while other times they can find it
difficult to understand. Twisted Souls are
always very fun and Kind, and can be party
animals. But, if you love someone, youre
serious about it, intense, and forever loyal.
Congratulations-the world should have more like
you.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.

Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I LOVE CLARISSA!!

You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Since you can't seem to get it right...

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 04:23:28 GMT

Well, I guess my hate posters aren't as sophisticated as some of the others out there, so I will have to help them out a little.

A guide to anonymous hate posting:

1) Comment on my journal---No one wants their journal cluttered up with my hate comments. Sheesh, have a little respect.

2) Use good grammar---When you don't capitalize your words, abuse commas, and use words like "for" incorrectly it just takes away from the potency of the comment itself. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

3) Insult me about something I actually care about---Telling me that my icon is pretty bad just makes it seem like you can't think of anything else to say. Sorry if I'm not as computer savvy as you, anonymous poster, but do you really have to criticize me about it? I'd like to see what your icon looks like...oh wait, that might give away your incredibly innovative anonymity.

4) Back up your insults---What good will it do me to to simply know that I am obnoxious or petty? I assume that by leaving me the comment, you are expecting me to want to change those things, right? If not, then what is the point of leaving a hate comment? Just to hurt me? Well, it's hardly an insult when I don't even know why you think those things. C'mon, if you're going to take the effort to explain why my icon sucks, you could at least tell my why you think I'm petty.

5) Lastly, think about why you are too scared to sign your name---If it's because what you are saying is excessively hurtful, maybe you just shouldn't say it. If it's because you act nice to me at school and don't want me to know it's you, maybe you should just stop pretending to be my friend/acquaintance and tell me what you think to my face. Chances are, I don't like you either so it won't be a problem.

Hopefully that will clear up the guidelines to hate-posting.

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 22:57:11 GMT

I guess I have to say this because I've been building up to it so much, but I got a letter today saying that I didn't get accepted into Michigan's musical theatre department. I shouldn't really care because I never wanted to go to Michigan in the first place and only 10 girls got accepted out of the 700+ who auditioned, but it sucks because: 1)I was starting to get excited about Michigan after I got into LS&A and visited the campus and 2)now I'm getting really scared about the other schools. If Michigan didn't accept me, why should anyone else? What if I don't get into any theatre programs? I don't want to go to college if I can't major in theatre, I'll just have to move to New York and see what happens like everyone else. I know this is terrible, but I will be so sad if Ashley and Nick get in everywhere and I don't. I'll be happy for them, but I will just be so incredibly jealous. Nick already got into 2 schools and it seems like 2 of Ashley's schools pretty much accepted her, so I just feel like such an idiot. This is worse than not getting into a play. In a play, there are others to audition for and it could be just because you weren't right for a part or something, but for college, it's your only chance and if you don't get in, it's just because you were bad.
Blah.
I hate it all.
I just want to get into one school's program. Then I will be happy.
And I really want it to be UCLA. But I don't think it will be because that was one of my worse auditions and Michigan was one of my better and I didn't get in there.
I just feel so stupid for getting my hopes up, like I've just been fooling myself all of this time. I know that I'm pretty good at singing and dancing and acting. Maybe that sounds conceited, but it would be stupid to even attempt being in the business if I didn't have a certain level of confidence. Now I'm just thinking about all of the people who must be so like 29873498327 times better than me. Gahh. I need to stop thinking about this. I'm just getting depressed. I called the other schools (couldn't get ahold of UCLA though) and they're all sending out their letters on Monday. So it'll be a flood soon. I just hope it's a good one. I don't know what I'll do if there are 5 regular-sized envelopes in my mail box next week.
Oh well, I'm going to go to the gym and work off this stupid stress while the family eats meatloaf (Sick; I didn't even like that when I wasn't a vegetarian. It just seems so artificial and disgusting. It's named meat LOAF. A LOAF or MEAT, that just seems like an oxymoron or something.)

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 12:48:20 GMT

I meant to update last night, but I was feeling sick so I fell asleep as soon as I got home and didn't wake up until 4am...whoops. I still have to do my Physics homework but I can do that during G/T so it's okay. I'm really excited because I'm getting my hair cut in an hour and a half. It's just a trim though, no one will probably even be able to tell. Blah, I feel gross and I just want to stay home but I have missed so much school that I can't. Because of my auditions I've already missed like a week and a half of school and I missed more besides that too.
So I talked to Mrs. Broz and I'm actually getting a C now. But she said that the deadline for pass/fail is Friday, so now I don't know what to do. If I get a C, I guess I'd rather keep the grade, but I'm not sure if I can even keep a C...and also, she said that some colleges count G's (pass on the pass/fail thing) as an E when they do GPA's, so that would defeat the whole purpose of doing it. I'm so confused ahh!
Other than that, things are going alright. I'm getting a B+ in Physics, which hopefully will raise to an A soon. I still need to turn in those dumb pictures for G/T. It's been like over a week; do you think she'll mark me down? Gov't is stupid because Mrs. McCutcheon should just teach and Mr. Tennyson is a hard-ass. N/R is fun but for some reason I am getting a Bfucking+. THere is NO reason I shouldn't be getting an A. I spend forever on those dumb journals, I participate, and I'm like the only one who talks in the metaphorical circles. I think they gave everyone bad grades so they could try to prove to themselves that N/R isn't a blow-off class (which it should be!). Theatre is fun, i know it's a lot of work, but I really like my choreography songs and I like that I'm not just dancing right away, I'm really thinking it through, which will hopefully mean a positive outcome. French is tons of fun. I love the Franch kids, and I'm serious about my plan Ashley--We're going to be best friends with them and become super-fluent and pass that AP!

On an "oh snap haaaaoooooooh" note, I would just like to point out that our school has a rodent problem. Yesterday I saw a rat and a mouse! I know they are trying to bait the rat with poisionous cheese, but I think it's just making the mouse jealous and it's really not solving anything. Val and Ashley have noticed this infestation also, and let me tell you, we are not happy about it! DGMB is both D&G. Groves needs to do some major sanitization or our school is just going to get less clean by the minute.

Oh well, I have just been informed that I have to take Skye to school, so I will have to get ready now and then get my hair cut and then I will see you lot at school :) Have a nice day!

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 04:00:46 GMT

At Ashley's house playing solitaire and anxiously awaiting the verdict

Are you ashamed to have ever known me?

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 03:57:46 GMT

I feel like I have spent most of my life tiptoeing.
I apologize constantly, bow my head, and make up for other people's mistakes. I do this all because I am scared to hurt anyone's feelings. When I find out someone doesn't like me, I tear myself apart thinking about what must have made them feel that way and try to change to accomadate them. Because of this, I find myself constantly changing how I act and reprimanding myself for what I think because, as I have found, it is impossible to please everyone. It doesn't even matter if I actually respect the person who doesn't like me or if I should even consider their opinions, it hurts to have someone hate you. Maybe this is me being selfish again, but I don't think anything I could have ever done would be worthy of being called an awful bitch and a cowardly, terrible, self-centered, ridiculous human being who you feel ashamed to have ever known. And for the record, I don't know who started this rumor, but I NEVER EVER said that I treat people badly because "I can and I feel like it," I never even did anything wrong, so why would I say that I did it because I could and felt like it? It honestly makes no sense and I hope you all aren't petty enough to remember/believe that whole story.

Yesterday, I finally had the balls to stand up for myself. Granted, I did it online and I did it publicly, but I let my feelings out. I couldn't just keep it all pent up inside of me forever, and maybe it was selfish, but I wanted people to understand what I was going through.
I regret it now.
Who cares if I felt better temporarily? I hurt someone. I put someone else through what I have been put through just to make myself feel better. That was self-centered and I am sorry, but I can't completely take it all back. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. I simply stated my feelings and the causes of them. Maybe I shouldn't have done it on LiveJournal.com, but I did it nonetheless.
Once again, I am torn. I want to take it back because I feel bad for saying some of the things I said, especially in a place where other people could read it, but then again, there is really nothing I can do to change my feelings, I feel a certain way and no matter what anyone says, I am not to blame for feeling sad or angry or upset. The people who ridicule me don't hesitate because they are in public, so why should I hesitate to explain how that made me feel in public?
I guess what it comes down to is that I got hurt so I hurt someone in return, whether it was completely intentional or not, and I shouldn't have done that.
But...
If people thought about my feelings, I guess it would be easier to think about theirs.

If the meaning of life is to entertain God, my life must be on SoapNet

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 06:15:31 GMT

my last entry was friends only

oh and by the way, the last time my current mood bear wasn't crying was January 17th

and my eye is twitching

Walk-a-mile

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 23:19:08 GMT

I was going to write an entry about my lunch from hell, but I decided to just post the paper that I wrote about it for N/R. I feel really bad about this paper, I feel like it might be mean, but it's what I think. Please comment if you think it is wrong to turn this in. The only thing you have to keep in mind though is that they want to know what really happened and how you really reacted to it (even though they're hoping it's going to be good) and also, ****'s not going to see the paper. I feel like a bitch for not enjoying my experience, but I tried and I just didn't like it at all. I haven't written the paper about when he observed me, but I have a feeling it's not going to be good either. Oh well, here it is (I will write about the weekend later, although nothing very eventful happened):

As much as one can try not to judge another person before getting to know him, it is almost impossible. It is natural to create preconceptions about a person based upon the first impression one gets from him. These preconceptions do not have to be bad ones; they are merely one’s idea of what another person is like. I was excited to participate in the walk-a-mile project because I knew that no matter what I said, I had subconsciously formed judgements about everyone in the class and I was looking forward to either verifying or disproving my theories.
When I spent time with my walk-a-mile partner (**** *******) I have to admit that I was not as open-minded as I would have liked to have been. I wasn’t expecting not to like him or his friends, I just didn’t go into it without imagining what it would be like first. Before I spent a day with ****, I had a feeling that his friends would be mostly boys and that they and **** would not be interested in the same type of things as me. I thought this because I am a very active member of the theatre department, and I know pretty much everyone who is involved. My interests mostly lie within the theatre and I was a little bit scared to be surrounded by people who might not like theatre because most of my friends are in the department and appreciate it as much as I do.
The time that I spent observing my walk-a-mile partner did not go very well. I was hoping that from this experience I would learn things I didn’t know about **** and find my judgements to be wrong, but instead, I was pretty much right about everything I thought. At lunch, we sat outside in a courtyard with only him and his friends. I didn’t mind that they were all boys, but they acted very immature. They fought almost the entire time and ran around in the mud making fun of each other.
I tried to just observe so I didn’t really mind, but they didn’t really make an effort to welcome me. **** introduced me to them all by name, but after that didn’t talk much. I once brought up the upcoming school play I’m in, but they just joked about how they don’t ever come see the plays. After that, I just watched and listened to them.
I didn’t dislike **** or his friends; I just act differently with my friends than he does with his. It surprised me that he is friends with them because none of them seemed to enjoy each other’s company much. They joked around, but they were also very hurtful to each other. Maybe I just can’t relate because my friends and I have different interests and talk about different things (and in a different manner), but I didn’t know people acted that way with their friends.
I would like to be able to end this paper with, “In the future I will not judge people because I was horribly wrong about ****.” Yet I cannot because I was right about **** and I still think it is impossible not to judge a person in some way, even subconsciously, before getting to know him better. I did learn a valuable lesson from my time spent with **** though. One should try to understand why other people act the way they do instead of focusing on what it is they are doing. For example, perhaps **** is a shy person and this is why he didn’t talk to me very much. Maybe he doesn’t like taking the initiative in situations. Maybe he and his friends put each other down often because they like honesty and can handle the criticism. Although I do not think I would fare well in this type of relationship, maybe it just shows that I am not as strong as ****. If my friends acted that way with me, I would develop even lower self-esteem. Maybe this is why I need friends who have similar interests as me and are supportive of what I do.
I am nervous to turn in this paper because it is not very positive. I did learn a lot, but I am afraid what I learned was not the object of the assignment. I have a feeling that the point of the project was to learn something along the lines of “don’t judge a book by its cover.” I learned something along the lines of “if you are going to judge a book by its cover, try to understand why the book was written how it was.” I know, however, that the point of Natural Resources is the process, not the product, so I am not too concerned. After having a bad experience, many people might not get to know others in this way again, but I will not do this. I know that I won’t be right about everyone I judge (I hesitate to use the word “judge” because it has negative connotations and I don’t necessarily mean negative judgements) and I still think it is important to try to see the world through other people’s eyes. Although I can not see myself potentially in ****'s shoes, I still think it was a worthwhile experience and I am glad I experienced it.

I want to go to the portal at Einsteins and stay in the Bahamas forever

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 05:34:42 GMT

I was reading through everyone's journals and I really think LJ is the source of so much depression. I think that everyone is down sometimes, or can usually think of something to be upset about and when you write an entry, it somehow turns to your problems. I think that because of this, we thing about the downfalls in our lives much more than normal and we are all depressed because of it.
That's my theory. But it's 12:30, so ya, it might be a little inaccurate. I'm trying to stay awake to write this (and do my last few French questions).
How come Rutherford never watches our cast at rehearsals? Everyone's like "well at least he doesn't yell at us," but I'd rather do it right now than later...or never. Doublecasting is so weird. We do it so differently from the other cast, but it's really similar. Weird. I'm excited though. The casts seem really even to me, the shows are going to be great in the end. Right now it's just moving slowly b/c we're blocking and we spent so long on dancing. (And don't worry Hanna, he'll add in soo much stuff for you to do once reheasals get better. When I was a dancer in Wild Oats, we started out with nothing and then ended up having tons of shit to do in the end. It was really really fun and I totally felt like a part of the show, I'm sure it will be the same for you.) Oh, and also sorry to Kydlan and Hanna for being on your backs about costumes, it's just that since so many people are helping out with it, I want you to get the experience you need and the credit you deserve. Just tell me if I'm being too bitchy.
Hmm
I swear a lot
I'm sorry
I feel very withdrawn for some reason. I don't know if I actually don't spend much time with people or I just don't feel like I do, but it's making me sad.
I am SOOOO scared to shadow Matt tomorrow! I'm not even joking, that kid freaks me out. I feel really bad, but he just does. He doesn't talk and he's just...brooding?looming?somthing like that. I have to go to lunch with him tomorrow too and when he came with us on Wednesday I was like, "So, where do you normally go for lunch?" and he was like "Oh, I normally stay in." I am dreading tomorrow (hmm i was going to say I feel 'dreadful' and then I realized that wasn't the right use of the word. How can 'dreadful' and 'full of dread' mean two different things?). I refuse to eat school food and I am too lazy to make a lunch so I can't eat anything (plus I get freaked out eating in front of people I don't know) and I don't even know if he sits with his friends at lunch. That's actaully really sad either way. I don't know who he's friends with, but if they're all seniors and they all stay in, that's really sad and if he sits by himself in the cafeteria everyday, that's even more sad. I really feel like I should be super nice and befriend him, but I tried and he just didn't talk to me and basically ignored me. Maybe he is happy being lonely. Maybe he is happier than any of us who get depressed over every tiny incident and disagreement-or maybe he just makes bombs in his basement... No, I'm just kidding. Wow, I am so mean. Our game is so horribly terrible and so mean, but it is soo much fun. I look for people to add to the list all day long. Wow, Matt heard us playing the game. There is no way he wouldn't have figured out the trick to it. He is going to write what a horribly terrible person I am in his paper. And all I care about is what he is going to write about me. Man, I am so self-involved. Well, not really self-involved, I just don't want to make anyone mad or unhappy. It's a little ironic. That's like when Colin called me vain for putting on makeup. Yes, I was looking in the mirror, but it wasn't because I liked what I saw.
Everything is screwed up right now.

I don't want help, I just want to tell.

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 04:37:24 GMT

Today started out really well and then just went downhill and then rose up to blah level. So I guess it all evened out to blah in the end.

I woke up at 5:15 this morning so I could make the 6:00 Pilates class. I LOVED it! First of all, no one goes to Pilates that early so the class was way more personalized and also, I felt so envigorated (sp?) this morning! I wasn't tired at all, I just felt healthy from the beginning, which is such a nice change from groggy. I think I might start stretching, etc... in the morning and see if I can't feel like that more often. I saw KTB's Aunt Kris in the locker room, but I couldn't place her face. We talked a little bit, which was a little wierd because I haven't seen her since about two years ago or something when we babysat for her.
Then I got help in Calculus which was good because I desperately needed it. Hopefully I can raise my grade to a B- so I don't have to take the final (is it a B or a B- you need?) Then I discovered that I suck at Physics too and practically failed our last test. Hopefully my labs and homework will make up for it though. In theatre we watched Ui and I just hated watching myself. Blah. I looked like...a man or something (haha) Then Mr. Rutherford made one of his famous comments, which really shouldn't effect me, but do. I think he thinks it's something I couldn't possibly take seriously,so it's okay to joke about it. Which just isn't true because I think about it all of the time. And that wasn't the end of it; it just kept getting worse. At rehearsal TWO more things just like that happened and I finally said something like "I hate today" after the third incident and kind of stalked off by myself to fix my braid. I could hear Rutherford and Heidi (oops, Miss. Bennett) being all "oh no, did you hear that, shmer ner ner." I felt bad; I didn't mean to make a big deal out of it or let anyone know. I tried to be in the converstaions later, but I just kind of sulked for the rest of the day. It doesn't really matter, I think only one person noticed anyway. Well, now that I'm writing it here I guess that's not the case, but whatever.

It certainly was "Mardi Gras" for me today.

Then I took my brother to this special needs sports camp thing and I had to go to the parents support group. They all thought I was a mom until like two hours later when it was my turn to "explain what brought me there." I got so bored listening to all of the insurance loophole stuff that I started ranking the people in the group. I decided that they all acted like highschoolers. There were two moms who wouldn't stop talking even when the leader social worker woman was trying to give her schpiel and then there was one who was silent until her turn; then she spoke for about 20 minutes (the rest of us got like 3) about her kid's whole life story. About 15 minutes into it the kid was only three years old and I was just praying he would only be four or something but i had to listen to 5 more years of agony :( blah. Then there was Montayne, who I love and then me and then Rachelle who I also love (my mom's friends) and then this hillbilly woman and then an angular, starbucks drinking, bony lady. Okay, so only the first two or three were like high school, but it passed the time.

Then I came home and watched American Idol (oh my god, the last girl was SOOOO AWESOME) and Millionaire (where the guy practically died of a nervous breakdown) and that was pretty much my day.

Sorry if that was just going through everything that happened and shit, but whatever, I thought it was interesting...

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 02:08:33 GMT

"we all fall down. It's getting back up that really counts." ~ Country singers just know how to say all of the things that run through my head so well. I'm sorry Mike, but I totally disagree with you. I don't think any good country lyrics are written just to rhyme, although they do rhyme very well :)

I went snowboarding with KTC today. It was tons of fun even if it was slush and ice and only made us sad that we weren't in Colorado again. I missed Katie so much. She is about the only person in the world that really understands how I think. We talked about relativity and age and depression and everything. Katie is such an awesome friend because not only can we joke around and act like little kids again, but we can have deep intense converstaions the next second. I love being with her. It just makes me happy. I guess that's why I'm so upset about all of this shit. I just don't get why someone would lie like that, and make me look bad, and harm my friendship. It's just...why? We talked though. I think it was good. I don't know, I feel so powerless. I called Can...I love you Can! Don't ever think I hate you because I don't! Listen to your voice mail, you will smile :)

I watched SNL last night. I have so much more respect for Christina Aguleria now. (It's not hard to have more than no respect for someone) No, seriously, she was actually really funny and good and I think she has a good voice and I feel bad that everyone calls her a whore. :( She's not a whore! She's just proving a point (or so she claims)

Is it too late to be jealous?
Because I am.
Hopefully that's not a problem.

Is it too soon to think about the possibilities?
I don't think so.
But if it's not, then it is too late to be jealous.

I need a double standard.

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 06:52:45 GMT

Went to Pilates today. It was awesome. I'm going Tuesdays during X-block and Saturdays from now on :) I'm going to have a perfect body for the Bahamas, I promise!

Speaking of spring break, mid-winter break is almost over! I don't want to go back to school. Granted, break was pretty boring (don't get me wrong, I had tons of fun with everyone I hung out with, but all of the down time just sucked), but I really just can't stand school! I am officially failing math. Everyone's like, "Oh, Calculus is so easy, what are you talking about?" What?! Who thinks calculus is easy?! I really don't think I belong in that class. I feel like it's designed for the people who took honors precal. The regular precal kids are just sitting there like 'what?' At least I am. I wish there were a non-AP calculus class. It's not fair, I had to take math again, but the only classes I could take for credit were AB and BC. I thought since those were the only options, AB would be easy...but no, it's not. It is a waste of time and money to even consider taking the AP. Blah, I hate math so much. I keep telling myself that I'm going to study more, but I just can't make myself do it. I can't force myself to think about math any more than I have to. I'm going to have to do it though, I need to get a B (haha) so I don't have to take the final. Ya, we'll see how that goes.

You know what sucks? When someone is mad at your for something you didn't do and they bring it up and then they say they don't want to talk about it. Especially when what they're mad at you about is just drunken gossip and they won't trust you over the gossipers and you feel like the only way to get them to believe you is to just lie and say it's true. Even then they would be mad. Plus, you don't want to lie. But how do you convince someone that you are telling the truth when they have been told that you would deny it no matter what? Of course you're going to deny something that's not true. What are you supposed to do? Lie so they will believe you? How does that make any sense? To tell a lie so they think that you are telling the truth? It doesn't. Why can't senior year be perfect and fun and happy and awesome? Why does something stupid like this have to happen before we have to leave? 17 years, does that mean nothing?

Blah, Ashley, tomorrow is the day! Good luck to us! Remember when we played Twister and I got out on the first command? That was not my fault at all! You know I'm awesome at Twister and if I had been up to my normal standards I would have beat you so bad! ;)

I saw 50 First Dates tonite. It made me so sad. I don't even think it's supposed to be a sad movie, well, maybe a little bit. I even shed a few tears watching it. I know that's silly, it's supposed to be a comedy. It's an Adam Sandler movie. Who cries in an Adam Sandler movie? It was just...seeing someone change so much, to be so selfless and devoted, after knowing someone for such a short amount of time just depressed me. Just knowing that kind of love can exist and knowing that I've never experienced it. Maybe I don't open myself up to the experience. I hope that's not it. That would mean that I probably won't experience it. I don't know, maybe it should have made me happy to see his devotion, maybe I'm just jealous. No, it's not maybe; of course I'm jealous. If you don't have that, you want it. There's no way around that. Who doesn't want love?
Oh and I-want-to-jump-on-you-in-class-boy?...Ya, pretty sure he hates me.

Now I will turn up the country music. There's always some wallowing country singer handy for this type of mood.

"Hell ya, turn it up. Right on. Hell ya, sounds good. Sing that song, guitar man playing all night long. Take me back to where the music hit me. Life was good, love was easy."

"Her daddy said: 'He ain't worth a lick. When it comes to brains he got the short end of the stick, but Katie's young and then she just don't care. She'd follow Tommy anywhere. She's in love with the boy. She's in love with the boy. She's in love with the boy and even if they have to run away, she's gonna marry that boy someday"

"I love you this much, I'm not waiting on you to make up your mind: Do you love me too? However long it takes, I'm never giving up. No matter what, I love you this much."

STUPID PARENTS

Sat, 21 Feb 2004 02:50:00 GMT

My dad and uncle took my brother and sister to dinner at my Gramma's house tonite.
I didn't go because I was taking a shower.
I've been in my room for the past hour or so cleaning up and talking online.
They got home about ten minutes ago.
My dad left my sister in the car by accident--she was asleep.
They just realized like five minutes ago.
My dad told my mom it was her fault because she asked him to get her something out of the car and he must have seen my sister then.
My mom just came in my room and yelled at me saying it was my fault.
How could I have ANYTHING to do with this?!
Maybe it would have been my fault if I went with, or if I was getting the kids out of the car, or even if I was downstairs when or after they got home, but how is it my fault if I haven't even SEEN any of them since this morning?
I mean, I feel really badly that that happened, but how was I to know?
My mom was like "well didn't you realize Skye wasn't here?"
and I was like "I've been in my room for the past hour, I didn't even know they got home." It's not like I randomly sit in my room thinking, 'hmm, I wonder if every member of the household is in the house at this moment'
and she was like "well ya, that's because you're holed up in your room doing nothing all of the time"

I WAS CLEANING MY ROOM! BECAUSE YOU ARE ANAL!!

I wasn't cleaning my room because it needs to be cleaned, I was cleaning it because my stupid parents treat me like I'm eight and won't let me out unless every last drawer is completely organized.

I can't wait to move out!

it's only a tiny bit forgivable because she is on Darvaset...but I have a feeling that had nothing to do with it

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 23:54:27 GMT

Went to the gym and learned like 2 scenes worth of lines on the elliptical (it takes some SKILL, let me tell you) and went tanning today. Now I can pretend I actually did something over break! Ya, I'm going to look so sexy when I come back to school you will hardly recognize me.

Family News:

Hmm, my uncle is being a little silly. It's really sad, but I'm a little glad he's not staying the extra week, it just would have been too much.
My mom is feeling lots better. For a while I was thinking she looked better when she was still on the IVs at the hospital. But now, after her appt. she looks and feels better.
My dad is...I don't know, I just wish that we could connect better. I try to talk to him, but I just can't. It just upsets me to have a conversation (I'm using this term very lightly) with him. I pretty much disagree with all of his beliefs. I think he's a really smart guy, I just think he's way too cynical and narrowminded. That must sound terrible, but it had to come out at some point.
My brother and sister are way too excited about this movie thing. I'm starting to wish I had never thought of it.

Other News:

I got a letter from the American Academy of Dramatic Arts. I did a walk-in audition for them in Chicago. They are one of the best theatre schools in the country and they only have theate. Tons of stars went there, and I mean people you would recognize, not those silly lists they put on other schools' brochures (Samantha from Sex and the City went there!) Anyway, I could have sworn I remembered them saying that if I didn't get in they would just send me the rejection letter, but if I did get in they would ask for my transcript and application fee so I wouldn't have to pay if I wasn't in. I might be wrong about this, but I hope not b/c the letter is asking for the other stuff and it says that once I send that stuff in they will let me know in 10 days whether or not i'm in. The only problem is that my parents are not that cool about a non-academic school, esp. since it's an Associates degree instead of a Bachelors degree. So i dont know if I'm even going to be able to find out whether or not I'm in b/c they won't want to pay for something i'm not gonna do and I'm not even sure I would get it, I only slightly remember them saying that.
Now that I got the letters from Tulane and UofM I just want to know about the other schools soooo badly. Blah.

A few things I have to mention:

-Cale...what?
-Benjy...okay, us flirting with you is funny. You flirting with us is just plain weird
-Ashely...I love you to bits and pieces
-Katie...I miss you and I want you to love me! I am really sad though because it's like 50 degrees and I don't think we'll be able to go snowboarding on Sunday :-(
-S&tS girls...Saturday night had better still be on!
-I-want-to-jump-on-you-in-class-boy...you make me sad because you don't know I love you:( (ya ya ya, I may be a little bit at fault for this, but whatever, I can still be sad about it)
-Colin...stop being sick you dork
-Commedia people...have any of you learned your lines yet? Ya, that's what I thought
-Theatre Kids...how excited are you for something NEW in theatre class?
-Jeremy...where are you?!
-College...let me in dammit!
-Anyone I forgot to mention...I'm really really really sorry, you know i love you!

The End

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 16:47:42 GMT

I don't know where to start!

It's not even as if that much has happened since I last posted, it's just that it has been a while and now I can't decide what is worthwhile to write and what isn't. I'll probably never get around to that whole list.
My mom came home yesterday. I was so happy :-) I missed her. It had actually been so incredibly long since she was her normal self. She was in the hospital for 3 days the frist time, home for 3 or 4 days and then in the hospital again for 3 weeks! and before that she wasn't feeling well so she wasn't acting normal and now she has to recover so she won't be normal for a long time. When she snipped at me yesterday about cleaning my room, I didn't even really mind. I was just so happy to have her back. That has kind of worn off though. It's probably just her medicine, etc... but she is not being very nice. I know I should be more understanding, but we're catering to her every whim and she just seems--not ungrateful, but just unpleasant.
Ui was stupid. Everyone has probably already written about it but it was totally unfair. Marty is an asshole. I think that whether or not he LIKED our style should not have been a factor in his score...it should have been how we did in relationship to the style we chose. like, whether or not we fully committed, etc... The thing was, Marty COULDN'T judge us based upon that b/c he had no clue who Brecht is (and if you have theatrical training, you know who Brecht is). I wasn't so mad cuz we didn't get to go to states, I was mad because we were soooooo close and I truly think we deserved it. I mean, c'mon, 97, 94, 38? That's a tiinny bit inconsistent, don't you think?
Last night was tons and tons of fun. I love ashley and mara and val! Yay! We're like the Sex and the City girls (except no one wants to be Miranda lol)

okay i have to go now, the kids are screaming and my mom "wants to see me"

buhbye!

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 01:24:11 GMT

Okay, so I have been putting off writing, who knows why?
but now I am not allowed to leave my room until it's clean so I think I will update instead. sounds like a plan to me

Things I need to talk about:

1) Chicago
2) my mom
3) school
4) Ui
5) valentine's day
6) break
7) ash/nick
8) tree
9) sweet/sour
10) empathy
11) Roland
12) Tulane

This seems so long ago now, but I feel like I should give my Chicago update. That way, when I know about the schools and acceptance/regection, I can look back and see if it corresponded with what I thought.

So we got to the Hilton and it was so beautiful. For some reason they put us on the executive level and all of the professors were staying up there too. (23rd floor baby!) there was this free buffet thing that was open pretty much all of the time and this lobby with TV's where you could sit and talk/eat. So we would pretend to watch TV but really evesdrop on the professors' conversations. Fun.

My first audition was for Carnegie Mellon and although this is one of the toughest schools to get into, I felt pretty good about it. The song went well. After I sang, the guy was like "really nice, very good audition, I'm glad I saw you" but the monologues were just so-so. they were asking some people to go in the next room and do their monologue for another person, but I wasn't asked to do that. All of the schools were saying how they might do stuff like that, but not to read into it, so i'm trying my best not to--but it seems to me like it woudl be a good thing if they asked you to, so I don't know. Then we did dance and I met the hottest guy alive. His name is Tom and he goes to U of D! What are the chances? He knew Mr. Moll cuz he was in Footloose with him, so that was cool. The dances were pretty easy and a lot of the girls weren't that good, so I actually feel good about that.

Next was Ithaca. The guy in charge wasn't that friendly and when I asked him if he wanted to see my portfolio he was like "I'd rather watch you perform." That just kind of set me back a little because all of the other people were so impressed by it. And, both Ithaca and Miami wanted the music on a tape which sucked b/c live is always better. That audition was alright, but it wasn't great so again, who knows?

Then was UCLA, the dance was really hard. it was like 2 minutes long and we learned it in like half an hour (which might seem like a long time, but if you've ever tried to learn a 2-minute dance it usually takes at least one or two days in rehearsal) I think I did alright, but I was disapppointed in myself because I know it was not my best. I think I psyched myself out for UCLA and I am pissed because it was the most important. Oh well, I wasn't terrible and they kept saying "we don't care if you've had training, we just want to see if you are trainable" hopefully I showed them I was. The songs went well. I skipped a chunk of "Lovebird," but only the pianist knew and I just kept going like everything was peachy and he skipped to the right part in like .02 seconds so it wasn't really a big deal. "hit me with a hot note" was good i think. it's a little unnerving to do that song b/c for at least 3 auditions so far, I've told them i'm going to sing it and they go "oh good, i like that song" but then it's like: what if I don't live up to their expectations for it? blah monologues were good, but it was a little weird b/c I was in this HUGE room and they were at least 100 feet away from me and I was like echoing so it kind of made it a little weird. plus they didn't see my favorire cuts

I think as the experience went along I got more and more jaded and less and less optimistic about my auditions so who knows if these are accurate accounts of what happened

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 02:36:50 GMT

sorry I haven't written in so long!
blah i am too tired to update on chicago...but i promise i will soon!
but guess what?
i got into Michigan!!!
I'm not excited b/c I really want to go there, I'm just excited b/c I know it's a really good school and I am so proud to have gotten in, and also now at least I know I am going SOMEWHERE. My audition is March 5th so we'll see if I get in for theatre too...
and now I just have to wait till mid-march for the rest of the schools, ah, stress

my mom looks soooooo much better. she's getting surgery tuesday if all goes well, and then she will be home next tuesday and then she will be really weak for a month and thennnnn she'll be my regular mommy again :-)

is it too soon to talk about I-want-to-jump-on-you-in-class-boy?

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 05:41:29 GMT

just got home
havent done any homework...
will give a full Chicagoupdate tomorrow

mom's still in the hospital, maybe 2 more weeks :-( i want her back!

i hate blame--it shouldnt exist

and on that note, neither should guilt

or lonliness
or pain
or sadness
or fear
or regret
or longing
or hope
or faith
or happiness
or love
emotions suck

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 04:15:57 GMT

Today was MIFA. We got through to Regionals and I'm very very excited. The other shows were...ehhh. Sometimes I wonder what I would think of our shows if I saw them at one of these things, b/c pretty much every show I see seems really bad and I can't decide if they really are just not good or if we just think we're better than we are. I also got a superior for make-up which was cool. Nick made them recognize me and I was happy because a certain 2 ppl who were recognized didn't do shit for it.
Then we went to dinner at National but my mom wanted me to go see her so I left dinner like .02 seconds after I got there and went to the hospital. It was such a shock when I walked in. She was all puffy and she had tubes everywhere and these blue things on her legs for--circulation? I almost cried, but I knew it would just make her sad so i didn't. I told her about my day and did my monologues and songs for her and her roommate and my dad when he came in later. Her roommate kept saying I was the next American Idol and that she wanted tickets to my shows on Broadway and that she "got feelings" about things and she just knew I would get what I wanted in Chicago. It was nice, even though they were both on a lot of medication. I'm going back to see her tomorrow morning before we leave for the airport. I wish she were coming with me. She didn't get to come last time but she didn't care so much b/c she just really wanted to be there for UCLA---and I really want her there. It's not fair. She never did anything to deserve this shit. Her nurses are such fucking bitches, I wanted to kill them for being so mean to her. They talk to her like she is two years old and jab her with needles all day long, refusing to say what is wrong with her or why she needs a blood transfusion or who's blood she is getting or why the doctors are idiots or what she is supposed to do next. I can't stand it. I wish I could just take care of her. They don't even fucking care about her. To them she is just another patient. Who cares if they aren't gentle when they take blood? Who cares if they ignore her? Who cares if she hasn't eaten in a week? It doesn't make a fucking difference to them because she isn't their mother. Well she is my mother and it does matter to me and I just get so angry when they aren't nice to her. I don't want to leave her there. I just want her to get better and come home and everything to go back to normal. I wish wish wish that she will be well when I get home and that she can come back and I'll be so nice to her and perfect and the best daughter ever. I should have never given her any stress or discomfort or anything. I feel like I'm a lost little girl and
I JUST WANT MY MOMMY